did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
