Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
