I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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