I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
