The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
