Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
