My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
