in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
