Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
