I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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