Jerry, you need to find god
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
