smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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