she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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