I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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