brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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