I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
