my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
