FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
