i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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