how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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