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He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
