Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
