How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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