Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
