My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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