Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
