u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
