I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
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Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"