I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.