first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
