Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
