I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
