all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
