that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
