I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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