how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
