She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
