What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
