If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
