One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it penis luge time yet?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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