I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
