The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
