we're chasing vodka with high fives
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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