Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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