Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
