I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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