Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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