Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
