I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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