Yo dont text me then not text me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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