he wants to bone in the snuggie
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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