I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just threw up on my dentist
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
