Who did Billy Mays play for?
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
