Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize