I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize