omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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