OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
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Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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