So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
