dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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