This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
